The only way to describe this time around is waiting...and waiting...and waiting some more. It's unfamiliar to me really-all the waiting-3 weeks more waiting than any of the others. They came on their own-eager to meet the world and surprising us with a quick entrance-a little too quick for ones liking in most cases-Doctors running down the hall as to not miss doing what they were hired to do-nurses firmly insisting to put off pushing even when there was no stopping the inevitable. No time to think, to second guess, to make decisions-and then it was all over-and another member of our family was suddenly here. Me-a mother for the first, second, third time-just like that.
Not Graham though-he wanted to defy the norm-or maybe he was just too cozy on the inside-too aware of how cold the outside could be or how hard sometimes life is. No amount of walking would do the trick of coaxing him out. And I truly understood the meaning of discomfort. As the doctor put it "you are just running out of room" And so an induction date was set....was it the right thing to do-not letting him just come on his own? Would he be big enough-is that why he was still hanging on? Would it be worse happening in slow motion instead of full speed? All the worry and anxiety mixed up with excitement, anticipation, dread.I knew what was coming, and what I had to do to get him here-so much pain and hard work. Yet, I was ready to have it done and him here safely.
Even with a set date there was still waiting...laying in bed as the darkness faded into light as 6 am, 8 am, 9 am, 10 am came and went- in and out of sleep-waiting for the hospital to call to tell us we could come-that they were ready-that I was aloud to have a baby at a designated time that day...a strange and foreign way of going about it. Finally the phone vibrates and Dan announces they scheduled us in for 10:30 am:
shower
dress
finish packing....
wet hair in a bun-
naked face-
comfy clothes ...
My pillow under my arm.
Kisses and goodbyes
children-big eyed and loving;
wishes of good luck.
A CTR ring to borrow ...
A declaration of faith....you can do it mom!
See you soon with our new brother....A new brother...one they prayed for... one they have waited for ....one I struggled for.... and one who belongs
I could do it...I did it before...and I would do it again... we were on our way.
We casually check in, and slowly walk to our room-the nurse takes time to write our names on the white board and shows us where we could put our things,where the TV remote is, and how to get to the snack room...people have time for these things here? so unusual...at least for me.
I change alone into my gown, oh the revealing gown-more time to be embarrassed and time to attempt to be modest....so odd-this business of having time...nothing like the rush of before-when Dan had to help me strip my clothes as to hurry on to the next step in the process...
And then I'm in bed and reality sets in-I text my sisters for support-only women can understand and offer what i need...encouragement, confidence, reassurance. "I'm scared-please send positive thoughts, love, and prayers":
You've got this
Your amazing
We love u
It will all be OK
I am praying for you
Just in time for the I.V. please get it in my "curvy veins" the first time...and thank goodness she did. I already like her. And then...we watch soccer and lick cold Popsicle and wait. The Doctor makes a surprise appearance-whistling as he-pushes the curtain aside. With a devious grin, he rubs his hands together as he excitedly announces we are going to break my water to get things started...
I am not scared by his light hearted/sometimes crazy approach to things...I welcome it....his personality might not be for everyone but it is OK with me. His energy makes me relax a little-things don't seem as serious or hard when an upbeat person is there to keep your spirits high. This is one reason I chose him....looks like a knitting needle-there is no pain-just A LOT of leaking for the next 45 minutes....there is something kind of uncomfortable to feel like you are peeing your pants for that long...
I lay on my side and try to sleep in between watching "pawn star" and more waiting...still no pain or sign of changes-a trip to the bathroom and then things begin to seem different. Nothing major but the nurse seems to become more serious about things and states that I have made significant progress within a small amount of time...I translate that into: the end is coming soon.
I am right-all too soon I am at an 8 and starting to feel the overwhelming waves of pain begin to hit. Daniel quietly moves to the side of my bed knowing silence is how I do things. Slowly-my arms, hands, neck and lips begin to tingle and turn numb as I work through contractions-nervousness sets in and I finally break the silence as I complain to Daniel about this foreign development. He doesn't waste any time pushing the call button..."we need the nurse-parts of my wife's body are going numb"
The nurse promptly arrives and pulls her stool up to the side of my bed...she positions a oxygen mask down over my mouth and tells me to take deep breaths. My body was shifting through the stages of labor at such a rapid pace that it was going into shock-I wasn't getting enough oxygen-thus the numbness. "You can do this" she said as she looks me straight in the eye-I can tell right away which of my patients will be able to handle labor without an epidural and which can't-you can. From this point on-she doesn't move from my side. She holds my hand as she softly directs Daniel as to what to do-there was never time for him to do much before...
"the most important thing is to remind her during each contraction to relax and not tense up. If you feel or see her tense up, tell her to slow her breathing and relax her body."
"Your body is running a marathon Kendra and you are almost to the finish line-the contractions are the hills-give in to them instead of fighting...don't anticipate them."
"Sink in-rest during the time that the contraction declines...."
My legs start to shake violently and Dan looks over at the nurse for answers
"It's just her body's way of telling her that she is pushing it to its limits-she is climbing a mountain. It is slowly shutting down....you can do it...hold on...I don't know how much longer I can hold on."
I concentrate on making it through each contraction...one at a time...I try to keep myself from hyperventilating, from panicking....I am taken in sheer surprise as the pain of each contraction escalates and becomes more excruciating than the last. The sweat drips and oozes from my pores. Without permission, tears run freely down my cheeks-I can't keep them in anymore. Despair sets in as things seem to be never ending...finally he drops and things move to a hole other level. I announce that the pressure is becoming unbearable and she nods as she tries not to run to the door to call the doctor. Within seconds he appears-"its time to have a baby" his smile radiates from ear to ear and even through all my pain-I can't help but try to weakly smile back. He will make everything ok...he will make the pain stop.
Just when I think that I am ready to cross my finish line-the challenge of pushing holds me back. I put all my effort into pushing when they tell me to and hear the grunts and guttural moans of agony escape my mouth. I push until both my lungs are collapsed and there is no air left in me-they tell me to rest and breathe...I just want it to be over and continue to push as long as I can before gasping for more air. Frustration arrives as we get to the fourth try and I still can't get him out. My body is tired and I need the waiting to be over.The task seems impossible-yet I know the pain won't end even if I quit. I grab the rails of the bed and shake my head as I cry.
"Just one more push, just one good push and we will have your baby" some how I muster enough trust that he is telling me the truth and enough energy to give it one more shot. His promise is valid and with one more burst of effort and a little help as he pushes against my stomach I scream and seering pain races up my legs- I feel the head then the shoulders and finally the body and legs as he slips out of my body.... my poor sore body. I lay there heaving in and out crying and sobbing as the emotion I have been holding in-controling-lets loose from somewhere deep within me. My heart is still pounding as I take deep breaths.
I hear the distant murmurs of the nurses and doctors around me-
Doctor Empey: WOW! He's a chubby one! Like a train wreck tearing through there...
The Nurse: You did it Kendra! You did great! Your a rock star-it's over and you have a beautiful baby
Other voices: 8 pounds 2 ounces....22 inches long
Daniel: You did it sweets-he is here and he's huge-he chuckles on his way down to kiss my head and squeeze my hand...through his touch, I feel his pride-in me and in our new son
We are parents once again...to a sweet boy named graham. All I want is for my children to be here with us- to welcome their new brother and to feel of the miracle and spirit of heaven.
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